hello again blog world!!

Hi guys! Yes, I still exist, and yes, I’m totally the worst ever for dropping off the face of the planet for like, 8 months!!

I’ve appreciated the notes you’ve all sent me checking in on me. I promise my absence is not because I stopped caring about each of you and how you are doing, but because its so easy for me to forget that others might care about me and how I’m doing. Ultimately I don’t have a great excuse for why I didn’t come back to update ever after my daughter was born. I have reasons, including being overwhelmed and busy (this is now the 3rd time I’ve had to stop and come back to this post without finishing), but the bottom line is I just didn’t make the time. I have continued to read and think about all of you, and it’s so exciting to see how many of you have had your luck turn around and get everything you’ve dreamed about as well.

So, after almost 8 months of absence, I’m doing extremely well. My amazing little baby girl was born July 24th, and things were definitely rough at first. She refused to breastfeed (for no observable reason other than stubbornness :)), so she lost a bunch of weight early on. I tried everything and saw like 6 lactation consultants before giving in and accepting that I would be exclusively pumping. That has been challenging to say the least, as it took an insane time commitment early on. In the long run it’s worked out, but it made the early months that would be challenging anyway extra challenging.

So about those first few months. HOLY CRAP was that sh** hard. I remember crying on a daily basis just thinking I would never survive. I don’t think she fit the strict definition of colicky, but we also did the 5 S’s non-stop and if we hadn’t been she might just have cried enough to qualify as colicky. Don’t get me wrong, it was totally worth it, even in the hardest moments, but there were definitely times when I wondered if I was cut out for motherhood at all. You look around and it seems like everyone around you just takes to it naturally (which I know is not true, but that’s how it feels) and it felt like I was just struggling more than I was supposed to be struggling. In retrospect, I think it was partially that she was a harder baby than average, but also that I didn’t have anyone around me who had had a similarly tough experience to commiserate.

Around 3 months things really started to improve though, and eventually it became actually fun and not just survival. I’ve found that it’s always cyclical, we’ll have a really rough couple of weeks (or months) and then things will be great for a few weeks. Just knowing that has helped immensely, because I can now tell myself when things are hard that it’s just a phase, it will pass like everything else. I still get frustrated when I’m up 5 times during the night, but I can trust now that it’ll pass and I’ll eventually sleep again.

And boy is it ever worth it :). Most days I just stare at this amazing little creature that somehow exists despite all the odds, and I can’t believe she’s real. I love her so much that words fail me when I try to express how it feels. I can’t get enough of her, I could just squeeze her and snuggle her all day long (if she let me :)). I will keep this short because she’s waking up from her (very brief) nap already, but I’ll end with a few pictures of the cutest baby ever.

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