The eve of the Big Day

Tomorrow is the big day. Our NT scan. I’ve been unbelievably impatient over the past few weeks, and now suddenly I’m not sure I’m ready. I swing wildly back and forth between feeling like it’s Christmas eve and feeling like it’s the night before going to the gallows.

I’m surprisingly not freaking out though. I feel like I’ve been in some sort of protective bubble for most of this pregnancy. It’s not that I feel optimistic and so need not worry. Even when things were looking completely awful after ultrasounds 1 and 3, I was feeling mostly numb. I knew the emotions would kick in eventually, but they hadn’t had a chance to hit. I’m fully aware of all the negative possibilities, and how awful I will feel when they come true, but I can’t muster any true anxiety or fear. It’s like I’m covered in thick padding, and the emotions can’t touch me yet.

Get this, we rented a doppler last week, we couldn’t find the heartbeat, and I still didn’t freak out. I was a little ‘down’ the next day, but I never really got upset. I rationalized that it’s because I have a retroverted uterus, and lots of women have trouble finding the heartbeat at 11 weeks with a retroverted uterus. True, but I wouldn’t have expected ‘rational thought’ to play in to whether or not I would freak out when we couldn’t find a heartbeat. We haven’t tried again since then because A) I was worried that my lack of freaking out could only last so long and I didn’t want to push it, and B) I have this feeling of, let’s call it intuition (the other option is wishful thinking), that there is still a little heart beating in there. I have no real reason to trust this feeling, but I’m glad I have it for now.

But again, that doesn’t mean I’m optimistic. In fact, I’m the opposite. I fully and completely expect that tomorrows scan will show a problem. It would just make so much sense. Both because of the low heart rate a few weeks ago, and because it’s just plain my luck. Since the NT scan doesn’t definitively prove whether there are developmental problems, it just indicates a higher or lower risk, if they find something tomorrow it wouldn’t mean there is definitely a problem. But it would draw out this limbo we’re in, not knowing whether to really trust this pregnancy or not. My ‘intuition’ is telling me that this is what will happen. It almost feels like that’s what I deserve. Maybe deserve is the wrong word, but I don’t feel like I am capable or worthy of a better outcome than that. I haven’t really explored why I feel this way, but I think it has something to do with the fact that ‘recurrent miscarrier’ has become part of my identity. It’s just who I am, so of course I will be the one with the problem. Or I will be the one who has to spend more months hiding that I’m pregnant because I still don’t know whether its real, while other people are shouting it from the rooftops at 12 weeks.

I don’t mean to sound as if I’m complaining though. I really and truly do feel lucky to be having this opportunity at all. I don’t think I can get in to it too much yet, but I’m also already having a great deal of ‘survivor’s guilt’. I feel insanely guilty for the fact that I’m here, having this chance at success and the ultimate prize, while so many of you are suffering so much. It feels so completely unfair (and wrong, like a mistake) that I could potentially make it to the other side while people who have struggled longer, been through more, and probably even deserve it more, are still waiting with no end in sight. I will have to wait and write more about this later when I feel more confident about the fact that I actually will ‘survive’.

So I’m off to bed, to wake up tomorrow to find either presents under the Christmas tree, or a noose. I guess we’ll see. Finally though, I wanted to apologize for being a terrible blog-friend lately. I’ve been reading religiously, but I haven’t been commenting much for a few reasons. The first is I’ve had sporadic computer problems, and it’s hard to really say what I want to say typing on my phone. And secondly, I’ve been insanely exhausted. By the time I get home from work and make dinner, I barely have enough energy to keep my eyes open to watch tv for half an hour. I’ve been passing out by 9 most nights. I hope you all know that I’m thinking of you constantly, and still care deeply despite not saying so quite as often.



9 thoughts on “The eve of the Big Day

  1. First, don’t feel guilty! I am so happy for you and that you could experience this! If anything, it just gives me more hope!! Second, I am hoping and believing that everything will be good tomorrow. I have heard so many stories of woman who had negative reports after negative reports, but all of sudden…they couldn’t find any problem. I am refusing to think of anything less than a perfect and healthy baby for you! hugs for tomorrow!

  2. Good luck tomorrow!!! It is already so exciting to know you have made it this far, it gives me hope for my future as well. A good friend of mine went through the same feelings that something has to be wrong after the recurrent miscarriages and she too had bad news in the beginning. Her doctor basically prepared her to miscarry again and then out of nowhere it all turned around and now she is 8 months pregnant and her baby boy is healthy and doing wonderfully. I pray for nothing but the best for you. Thankfully you will get your news tomorrow to hopefully put your mind more at ease. 🙂

  3. Oh how I can identify with the stunted emotions, the resignation, the overall numbness… I cannot even seem to genuinely muster up hope right now for my treatments or assisted cycles to come. (Although, I do feel sincerely grateful for these opportunities.) I just don’t feel hopeful. However, I think what concerns me most about my stoicism is that even though I see myself expecting the worse, I don’t really feel extreme despair either, just a bit down, a state of melancholy which I worry could become prolonged, permanent… we’ll see…
    On your feeling of guilt, I want to tell you that, should your news be good (and I pray that it is), please know that, yes, this news will inspire a variety of emotions in your readers… but one of those emotions is also hope, and not just any hope, but a meaningful and moving hope… I can tell you that such sources of true optimism can be hard to come by in our situation. Your pregnancy would be very precious to us as well. My fingers are crossed for you… Truly.

  4. Can’t believe your having your NT scan already! I know you’re nervous, but I’m excited for you. For me I basically came to terms with the anxiety by thinking if the worst happens there is no amount of thinking and worrying ahead of time to prepare me for that so I might as well just live in the moment and enjoy it. I felt exactly the same about the NT scan – I was sure I was going to get some kind of vague result and be floating in limbo. I almost opted out of it just so I wouldn’t have to go through it. In the end everything was fine (I was shocked). We’re just not used to getting normal test results, but odds are you will. Good luck!

  5. I’m thinking about you! I know it’s scary and I can imagine you have guilt, but I want you to know that this gives me hope. Every time you update that there is a baby with a heartbeat I cry.. Not out of sadness, but out of a… “Good things can happen to good people” kind of a way. It’s your turn! It will be my turn eventually, but don’t feel guilty that it isn’t my turn (or any other woman’s) turn just yet. You deserve to enjoy this. You deserve to be happy and know that I’m happy for you. And since my blog is anonymous I can actually say whatever I want- so you know that’s true 🙂 Hugs friend.

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