8 week ultrasound. And the verdict is…

I wish I had a better post to write today. After last weeks good news, I was in shock and could hardly wrap my brain around the idea that things could work out with this pregnancy. This last week has been interesting. While not exactly optimistic, I had really started to think of myself as pregnant in a different way than I ever have been before. I pulled out my old embryology textbooks and checked out all the pictures of 7-8 week embryos, and I calculated a due date. I even did some google-searching for maternity clothes. This isn’t totally premature, I’ve already got this protruding belly that probably looks further along than I am, and all my clothes are too tight. I would never dare to actually buy maternity clothes while in pregnancy purgatory, but I might need them sooner rather than later.

I went in to this mornings appointment hesitant, but open to the possibility of good news. I duly dropped my pants and hopped up on the table, as if waiting for a judge to pass judgement. G was in a great mood, pretty confident of the outcome. He was making small talk with the ultrasound tech while I shot him death glares. As soon as she got the wand in, she said, “well we have a baby with a heartbeat! I don’t know anything else yet, but I know that”. After which she proceeded to check my ovaries, and take a million measurements of my peri-ovarian mass (more on this later). When she finally returned to the pregnancy, she had this happy look on her face. Remember, the last time she did an ultrasound for me, there was no embryo at all, and they were thinking there might not ever be one.

She started taking measurements, all the while smiling. She even made a joke (so cruel) that G would have to be more patient when (she said when!!) he was a dad. At this point I started crying. I figured, she’s never acted like this for any single other ultrasound we’ve had (like hundreds at this point, and she’s done all of them). Clearly she thinks this is good! G was squeezing my hand with all he had.

Then, she went to measure the heart rate and my heart dropped out of my chest. The number that popped up was 117. At 8 weeks, the heart rate should be 140-190, which I knew in advance because I made sure to google it this morning so I would know what to look for. I said in a quiet voice “it’s too low”. She said, yes, it’s pretty low. She waited a few minutes, then took the measurement again. 106. There was no more smiling or joking about when we would be parents.

As always, after the ultrasound we had to wait a good hour for Dr. O to show. The longest hour of my life (well, one of them since I’ve done it a hundred times now). He didn’t have anything surprising to share. He agreed that the heartrate is too low, and it doesn’t bode well. Especially since we know that last week it was higher (124). When asked explicitly he said he’s seen a pregnancy like this survive before, but it’s extremely rare. More likely, the heart will just keep slowing and eventually stop. If it does survive, there is an elevated risk of developmental defects.

Since we will be out of town for the holidays next week (good god, the horror of a week with the in-laws in the middle of all this), we can’t re-check until the 31st. That’s almost two more weeks of living in pregnancy purgatory. If the constant nausea, headaches, heartburn, constipation, and exhaustion wasn’t enough to deal with, I will have to do it all in the company of my in-laws. Oh! and all without any alcohol. I guess I should consider myself lucky that there are only 2 babies and one pregnant woman (that we know of)  in the family at the moment, some of you have much more.

So here goes another two weeks of pregnancy purgatory. It promises to be a very merry christmas.

 

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42 thoughts on “8 week ultrasound. And the verdict is…

  1. Dammit. I am so sorry. You never should have to get this news, but especially during the holidays. I’m glad your RE was honest with you, though. During my second pregnancy, our first heartrate at 6.5 weeks was 95. I was told it was fine. At 8 weeks, it was 131. I was released to an OB. At 11weeks, after enduring a waiting room full of pregnant bellies, my OB had to tell me that I had a missed miscarriage. I know now that our prognosis was never good, and I wish my RE (who was promptly fired) had been more forthright.

    I’m sorry for the purgatory, for having to remain uncomfortable and sick without hope of a miracle. I won’t tell if you need a glass of wine to get you through the next two weeks. Please, just take care of you. Everyone else can bugger off.

    • I agree, it’s better to know than to have false hope. That happened to me with my first pregnancy, the OB didn’t make it clear just how serious it was to have a low heart rate at 7 weeks (it was 89). I definitely wished she’d been more honest. And, yes having to go to an OB in that state is horrible. Thankfully my RE isn’t doing that to me this time. He sort of brought it up, but I said I wasn’t going, no way no how, and he was okay with that.

  2. I’m so sorry about the inconclusive sonogram results. The good news is that the heartbeat is still there. I will say a prayer for you and hope for the best. You should feel free to do whatever you need to take care of yourself over the holidays. If that means staying in your room for a meal or stepping off by yourself for awhile at a gathering, so be it. Other people can get over themselves. Thinking of you.

  3. Oh my gosh I almost burst into tears reading this. I don’t even know what to say right now. If I could send you every ounce of strength I have inside me then I would. I just wish you didn’t have to go through this. I’m so sorry. I hope this two weeks goes as quickly as posssible for you. I’ll be thinking of you.

  4. No, no, no. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this especially at this time of the year. I had really thought after the last ultrasound that this was your turn. 😦 I’ll still keep hoping for you, but I understand the need to be somewhat realistic about it as well. I hope you are able to stay distracted and still enjoy parts of your holiday.

    • Thanks so much. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still hoping a little myself, but I do think I need to be realistic. The odds are pretty bad. I’m going to do everything I can to distract myself for the next two weeks.

  5. oh girl I am so sorry! I am saying prayers right now for the life inside of you. I know the doctors don’t have high statistics but God is bigger than any statistic. He is a God of the impossible. Keep believing and hoping in Him that He has your lil one sitting in the palm of His hand and that He will not the devil touch one cell in his/her body! hugs to you and I hope the holidays are good times 🙂

  6. So angry and sad for you. WTF!!! Okay. So this is actually happening. Oh honey, I can’t tell you how terribly sorry I am to hear this, it is not okay in any way. I did not think this was going to happen. There is still hope but I know the spot you are in right now all too well. And during the holidays! Gahhhhhh!

    I want to try to ease the awfulness….I hope you don’t think I’m completely insane for suggesting you listen to a stand-up comedy routine right now but there is one by Tig Notaro that she did three days after she was diagnosed with cancer and it’s just f’ing brilliant and not your normal comedy routine—she has just experienced a string of tragedies in a row, worst timing, and the routine is all about it. You mentioned not being able to drink, and it made me think of a part in her routine where the craziest thing she can do is go out and buy some Triscuits to eat. There is also a part about the saying “God never gives us more than we can handle” that made me laugh so hard I cried. The routine is called “Live.”

    I am sending so much love to you. XOXOXOX

  7. I’m so sorry for the waiting. The waiting and the not knowing for sure is so painful and frustrating. It should not be like this. You were supposed to only get good news. Only good news. It has to happen for you! I need someone to have good news. I am still holding out hope for you and your little one. Doctors don’t know anything for sure and they are always ‘surprised’ when things don’t turn out like they think. Thinking of you.

    • I know, right? We need some freaking good news around here for once! I can’t say I’m not still hoping it will turn around, but certainly its not very likely. We’ll see in two weeks I guess :/.

  8. My heart sank after reading the first sentence and I didn’t want to read any further. I’m so sorry hon. It’s just so awful for the tech to give you so much hope and be joking with you and then drop a bomb on you the next moment. I really, really hope this little one is just starting out slow and that everything will be great at the next ultrasound. It’s brutal that you have to wait almost 2 weeks to find out! Sending you lots of prayers and strength to get though the holidays. Big hug ❤

    • Thanks :). I know, I think she honestly really was excited herself to be giving us good news for once. She’s done so many bad ultrasounds for us. She’s usually so guarded so we don’t get our hopes up about anything, but she let her guard down just a little this time.

  9. Screw you universe! This is so unfair. Ive been thinking so much about you, I’m so sorry you are going through this sweetie, pregnancy purgatory is absolute hell. I can’t believe that after all you have been through already in this pregnancy that you’ve been given this prognosis. It makes me want to scream and throw things. I am praying that things turn themselves around. My heart goes out to you both, sending you strength and love, I wish there was something more I could do xxx

  10. No, no, this is so unfair. For it to be bad news from the start is one thing, but to have such a great scan last week and then this, and the prolonged not knowing, it’s devastating and cruel. My heart goes out to you. The universe is so unfair. I want to scream and throw things. While there is a heartbeat there is hope but I know that isn’t much comfort when the outcome looks bleak. Look after each other and be kind to yourself during this horrid time. Huge hugs x

    • Yeah, I agree, the universe must have a serious grudge against me for making this so drawn out and complicated. I was prepared for a loss, but it can never be simple, can it? I still have a teeny bit of hope, but yes, I think the odds are pretty bleak. Thank you so much for the kind words and virtual hugs :).

  11. I am so, so sorry to hear about this scan. My heart breaks for you. There is nothing in the world more painful than to be handed hope and then to have it taken away like this. I will be thinking of you and hoping for you. I wish there was more I could do.

  12. Im so sorry and so sad to read this, it is sheer hell what you are going through. I really understand what you mean about having to go through this torturous waiting with the in-laws and family this week. I hope you can find a way to get through it. I am thinking of you XXX

  13. Oh hon, my heart is hurting so badly for you right now. It is so not right…I truly wish I could take all of this away. Pregnancy purgatory…that is the perfect description. I will be thinking and praying for you. I know there is really nothing else I can say or do, as much as I wish I could. But I sincerely wish I could just sit next to you and offer some comfort and strength and presence. If anything, you are not alone in this! Hugs and prayers, friend. xox

  14. I can only say I’m sorry but I know it won’t do justice to this news. I am hoping for a miracle for you but also hoping for strength for you so that you can cope no matter what. Take care of yourself.

  15. Oh no. I’m so sorry you didn’t get better news. So unfair 😦
    The heart is still beating though, so there is still a chance, and I will be wishing and hoping for an against-the-odds outcome for your little one. It really sucks that you have to wait so long for another ultrasound. And over the holidays too. Ugh. Take care of yourself best you can. Hugs to you.

  16. Heavenly Father, I pray that in the power of Jesus’ name, you will breath life and strength into this precious child and let this baby live. Amen.

    I’m scared to pray that, because in my human nature I’m just filled with doubts and going through 4 miscarriages myself, I know that bad things happen all the time. But I’m not going to stop hoping and praying for you friend. I’m choosing to believe that you’re little one is going to make it. And I’m praying for you over the next week – do whatever you need to do for you, who cares what everyone else thinks.

    Love and hugs to you!!

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