The beginning of the end

Two days ago, at 5w2d, I started bleeding. Bright red blood along with some decently strong cramps. It only lasted for a minute or two, but it was enough to show that the process is starting. This is identical, practically to the minute, to my other miscarriages. Everything is peachy until 5w2d, and then it all turns to shit.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, which I expect will involve a heartbeat. The first one always does. But then the bleeding just continues to get heavier and heavier and we all know what the outcome is. It usually takes 4 weeks or so from the start of the bleeding before I have a dnc scheduled and the whole thing is over. 4 weeks of feeling horribly sick, depressed and hopeless. Here we go again.

I can’t say I was that surprised when I saw the blood. I had been checking religiously. Scrutinizing the tp every time I peed. But I had managed to convince myself that it was possible that it could be different this time. I wouldn’t say I was totally optimistic, but I was being negative either. I was even talking to the embryo, telling it to ‘please please please please be okay this time’. G was much more involved this time too. In the past he’s been so detached, not wanting to get his hopes up. But last week (after an emotional breakdown on my part) I convinced him we both needed to be present this time, even knowing it might go badly. I spent so long wishing to be pregnant again, I didn’t want to ignore the experience while I was having it. So G was asking me about every tiny symptom, and he even started calling the embryo peanut. It’s been a totally different experience, feeling like I’m not the least bit alone in this.

I don’t know why, but I haven’t cried or gotten emotional. And it’s not because I think it’s going to be okay. I’m 98% sure this is over. I think it just hasn’t hit me yet. When I saw the blood, I called G in to the bathroom to see (I know, gross, but he said he wanted to see), and we just sort of stared at it for a minute and said, ‘okay, well I guess that’s that’. We got into bed and had a long talk, but mostly we talked about what comes next. I have a feeling that at some point it’s going to hit me that this is happening now, and I will have to deal with it.

So what comes next? Ultrasound this week, more waiting and bleeding, then eventually another ultrasound with no heartbeat (I know I sound morbid, but it’s just the reality). Most importantly, this will hopefully give us the opportunity to do the embryoscopy procedure I wrote about before. The last thing I wanted was for this to happen again, but if it had to happen again I want to know as much as humanly possible about what’s going wrong. I know I’m getting my hopes up because there are a lot of factors that have to work out to do the procedure (doctor agreeing to do it, not having a natural miscarriage first, not having so much bleeding they can’t do it, etc), but I just so badly want to know what’s going on it’s driving me insane. I just keep thinking if I had some clue what was going on, I’d be able to come to terms with it. Not to mention having an idea of how to proceed from here. After my hopes get dashed over and over, it seems like too much to ask to even be able to get some answers.

On top of everything, now I’m getting sick. G has had a cold for the last week, and we tried so hard not to share germs, since I didn’t want to risk getting sick while pregnant. I managed to keep it at bay until today, but now I feel awful. Interestingly though, I don’t feel like I have a cold, I feel like I have the flu. My chest is super heavy, I’m dizzy and weak, and the nausea I’ve had for the last two weeks has increased dramatically. I don’t know if it’s just that the combo of morning sickness with a cold feels like the flu, or if there’s something else going on, but I feel like crap. I’m just SO not in the mood to be feeling so sick on top of everything else right now.

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39 thoughts on “The beginning of the end

  1. Oh god, I knew when I got your comment I immediately needed to check on how you are doing. I think of you CONSTANTLY and so didn’t want to be reading this.
    Oh honey, I am so gutted. I want this to work so badly for you, without stress, without fear. Why is this so fucking hard! Why do these things keep happening to us?!
    I know exactly how you feel about history repeating itself, that we are just watching it unfold. You know better than any doctor how this story goes. I know for us, things can be so predictable it’s impossible to think otherwise. But I am still really hopeful this time can be different, though I understand where you are and how you feel right now. I will hang on to hope for you, even if you can’t. Please keep us posted about Tuesday. So glad G is supportive of you, my heart goes out to both of you. Hugest hug xx

    • Thank you so much for all the support, I can’t tell you how much it means. I wish I had some explanation for why we keep getting punished like this (it feels that way, doesn’t it?). I will definitely let you guys know how the ultrasound goes. Interestingly, the fact that I have almost no hope for this pregnancy isn’t a protective thing like it has been in the past. I’m not trying to keep myself from being hopeful so it doesn’t hurt, I just honestly don’t beleive there’s any chance. Whatever is happening, the pattern is just too strong. Hugs right back, I’m always impressed by your strength, it inspires me to be strong too.

      • I understand that completely. We have become realists in this process. Undeniable patterns make us this way. It’s hard to ignore it. Completely drives my DH crazy because he’s always so hopeful. But I try to explain that hope doesn’t always factor in for us, we just see it as it happens. It’s just realism.
        You are so strong and brave in all this, i hope you see that. Holding your hand xx

  2. Oh hon. I’m just sick reading this. You have been in my thoughts a lot and I’ve been stalking your blog waiting for an update. This is just so wrong and unfair. I’m praying that it’s just unexplained bleeding and that this time baby will be ok. I’m so so sorry that you have to go through this again. Sending you a big hug.

  3. My heart also sank reading this. I know the feeling and I was so hoping this would be your sticky one! I hope that you are able to get some answers and that you find peace somewhere in this process. I really wish you all the best and send virtual hugs to you!

  4. Reading this I was just thinking “what the F” and my heart ached for you. Sorry does not begin to provide any comfort but I am sorry you are going through this. Praying for a miracle.

  5. Have you ever had the chromosome karyotype testing done on both you and your husband (simple blood test)? I too have had many unexplained early losses. After the 5th, we finally did this chromosome testing and found out my husband has a balanced translocation of two chromosomes. This helps to explain the number of losses we have experienced. (It is still possible for us to have a child, but it has to be the right chromosomes in order to carry the baby to term) I am new to your blog but thought I would reach out in case you have not had this testing done yet. Thinking of you.

  6. This breaks my heart. I hate that this has become a “routine” for some if us. I hate that a heartbeat doesn’t mean that everything is ok (I feel so naive for ever believing it). It’s so unfair. I’m so sorry.

  7. Thinking about you hon. Hope you find a strong heartbeat tomorrow and that the bleeding turns out to be unexplained and not a problem, or at the very least that you get some answers.

  8. Oh honey I’m so, so sorry. This is so not fair. My heart just breaks for you. Thinking of you now, and especially tomorrow as I know that will be hard either way. You’ve been through so much already. I was really hoping this would be the one for you.

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