‘Not negative’ to positive

I have had the most insane week. I feel like I’ve barely had time to breath, and I’ve had a billion things running through my head to write about, but I haven’t had two minutes to sit still, let alone write. The craziness isn’t over yet either, I’m on my way out of town for the coming weekend, then I’ll be home for two days before leaving again for thanksgiving. So while I have 5 minutes, I wanted to update you guys on the whole ‘not negative’ thing. All of you have been so wonderfully supportive, I don’t want to leave you hanging for another week. I’d worry if one of you guys announced you were pregnant then disappeared!

So here’s how my week has gone so far:

  • Monday: Spent most of the day at the vet with one of my kitties. She’s had a series of issues that we just couldn’t quite pin down a cause for, so she needed an xray. After a whole day and an enema later (poor baby :(), the only thing they could find wrong with her was constipation.
  • Tuesday: First beta: 60. So far so good!
  • Tuesday night: Barely slept the entire night. No good reason for it, I was exhausted, I just couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. I woke up pretty miserable on Wednesday and zombied my way through the day.
  • Wednesday: We went to yoga in the evening and I was feeling nice and relaxed. Until we got home. Guys, I am apparently a giant hormonal mess. I bent over to put a cat food bowl on the floor and banged my head coming back up. Somehow, this led to me sobbing like a giant snotty 3 year old. Not because it hurt, but just…..because? Then I proceeded to yell at G for the next 20 minutes because….I have no idea. I just did. He was looking at me like I was some sort of alien creature. In 6 pregnancies I’ve never been emotional like this.
  • Wednesday night: Barely slept again! This time it was because I woke up in the middle of the night positive that I was having cramps and that I was going to be bleeding like crazy when I got up in the morning. I don’t know if it was just part of a bad dream, or if I really did have cramps, but I was completely convinced it was all over.
  • Thursday: After two nights of not sleeping and a night of crying, I had bags the size of Texas under my eyes. Stumbled my way through getting ready and went in for beta number two. The result: 215. That’s a doubling time of 28 hours. Crazy fast. Here’s the thing, in the past I’ve always had insanely high betas. I don’t remember numbers, but they always end up being off the charts high. It’s never been an issue of multiples, and besides that I can’t find any good reason why levels would be so high. Everyone always talks about how great it is to have high numbers, and what a good sign it is, but that’s never been the case for me. So, I was kind of hoping for more ‘average’ numbers this time, just as a sign that something was different. Honestly I have no idea if my hcg levels have anything whatsoever to do with my miscarriages, so there’s no reason to worry about this, but you know how that goes.
  • Thursday evening: On my way home on the train tonight I was thoroughly enjoying catching up on some of your blog posts when someone snatched my phone from out of my hands. I knew what was happening, and I had a good grip on the phone, so I held on, saying ‘NO NO NO’, trying to fight him for it. I managed to hold on for maybe 5 seconds, but eventually he was just too strong and he got it. He jumped out of the train door just as it was closing, leaving me shocked, pissed, and phone-less. The thing is, if I’d been thinking more clearly I would have screamed for help, or kicked him, or something, and I might just have been able to get him to lose his grip. There were tons of others on the train with me, but because I didn’t scream out, they didn’t know what was happening until it was too late. I made a police report, but there’s about zero chance I’ll be getting my phone back.

During all of it I was pretty darn calm, but the moment I got home I turned into the hormonal ball of tears again, alternately crying and yelling at G for various unknown crimes. To top it all off, I had promised to make a birthday cake for G’s nephew, and tonight was my only time to make it. I was already 45 minutes late starting the process from making the police report, and completely exhausted. At first cake making was going smoothly, and just as I was congratulating myself on keeping it together enough to make a cake after everything else I’ve been through this week, I make a huge mistake. Now the cake is half the size it should be (the top layer had to be tossed), my kitchen is COVERED in cake guts, and I simply do not have the energy to clean it up. The miniature cake is frosted and in the fridge though, and in a few minutes I get to get into to my gloriously comfortable bed. I sure as hell better be able to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow we drive a couple hours to meet SIL and family at an indoor waterpark for nephew’s birthday. Nephew is 3 now, and I call him my little reminder, because he was born right when we first started trying. So yeah. Happy 3 years! I have no intention of telling them about my ‘not negative’ yet, but G kindly informed me that no one will notice that I’m not drinking/watersliding/hot-tubbing because they have kids to pay attention to. Read: you are essentially invisible when the all-important children are around. At least how it sounded to my hormonally-hyped up self. Hence fight number one.Β 

Seriously though, I’m holding myself together by just a few threads at this point. I go back and forth between completely freaked out that five minutes from now the pregnancy will be over, and slightly optimistic that it will work out. Now that steps 1 and 2 are passed (betas), the next step is to make it to my first scheduled ultrasound without bleeding. This will probably be in two to three weeks, and I’ve never made it that far in without bleeding before. I always start bleeding around 5 weeks, and no matter what the ultrasound eventually says, the bleeding is the beginning of the end. I have trouble visualizing making it to the next stage, but I know that that’s at least in part because I’m habituated for bad news. I’m trying to keep myself cautiously optimistic and avoid the highs and lows. It’s really not working very well yet, but hopefully a good night’s sleep will help.

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21 thoughts on “‘Not negative’ to positive

  1. Holy Moly you have been through a lot lately! Congratulations on your beta numbers! Praise God! Keep hope and avoid thinking of the negative. The Bible says that as a man thinketh in his heart so is he…so think positive, think that this will be a healthy pregnancy and don’t let the devil take away your joy. πŸ™‚ I’m praying for you πŸ™‚

  2. Congratulations to you! I think there must be something to the comfort of being in our own homes that lets the hormones run free. I do well holding it together all day, then I get home, not even realizing I am hormonal & the next thing I know my husband is asking me what my problem I and can I please be nice to him. Hopefully some sleep will help you!

  3. Fuuuuuuuudge. That is a lot to deal with. My cat is my baby so if anything was wrong with him I would lose my mind! Glad your kitty is ok (just constipated). And hey, small cake is better than no cake and the kids won’t even care about the cake. And the phone thief has some seriously bad karma heading his way. And glad you’re hanging in there! XO

  4. Craziness! And I cannot believe someone just grabbed the phone out of your hands! What the heck!! Praying you have some peace…I know how hard it all is…wanting to be hopeful, scared to hope…praying peace finds you – and sleep, girl! You need it! Hugs!

  5. What a terrible week! The only small positive in there is at least with your crazy schedule right now, the time will hopefully fly by until your first scan. Sending you lots of prayers!

  6. As a South African the phone story was kinda par for the course for me lol. Sorry you didn’t think to cause bodily harm. I usually forget that part too. Except in my dreams! I was emotional in the car in the beginning – my road rage was hysterical.

    I’m really hoping that all goes well for you!

  7. Good grief, what a week. I can’t believe someone stole your phone – I was so worried that you were going to say that he hurt you. Whew! But still that seriously sucks and I hope that jerk gets some serious karma from that. I’m thinking about you and praying for you and baby.

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