Not negative

I tested today. 10 dpo. And it wasn’t negative. I’m having a lot of trouble getting from it’s ‘not negative’ to it’s ‘positive’. It just feels like it could blow away in a strong wind.

Last night G and I stopped on our way home from dinner to pick up a pack of FRERs, because this month I just didn’t have it in me to wait for 12dpo to use my cheapos. Usually G is all about waiting because he hates how upset I get, so he’d rather put it off. This time felt different though, he was expecting his birthday present, and he hates waiting for presents. This morning, I stalled getting out of bed, knowing that I would have a terrible day when I saw the negative. Even as I watched the test develop, I just knew it would be bleach white. I waited for a minute or two, didn’t see anything, and got up to brush my teeth. A minute later, I peeked back over to the test.

The line wasn’t dark, but it wasn’t the lightest line I’ve ever had either. There wasn’t any squinting, it was clearly visible. I called to G, ‘Honey, come here. It’s not negative’. The second thing I said was, ‘I didn’t f*ck it up this time’ (at least so far). My overwhelming feeling was just relief. Relief that I am still able to get pregnant, and relief that this month won’t be another month of the same.

After the last two chemical pregnancies, I’m hyper aware that this might be over any minute. I’m only thinking a few days and a few steps at a time. Step 1, re-test in a day or two to make sure the line is still there and not lighter. Step 2, call for a beta, probably Tuesday. This is as far ahead as I can think right now.


41 thoughts on “Not negative

  1. Wow! This is the second faint line positive I’ve read about today. It’s making me feel very positive and optimistic for you! I know one step at a time is all you can do right now, but I’m thrilled for you! Praying this is it for you hon!

  2. Holy shit. I had a feeling I would be reading a post from you about this very soon. I am feeling like this is it for you hun, I really am. 10dpo, that is so GOOD!
    It very much is one step at a time but I am here walking this rocky path with you. Sending you hugs and relaxing vibes and goodness.
    Hun, are you on twitter? xxx

  3. I agree a positive (any positive) at 10DPO is a good sign. Ahhh I hate this so much. I keep seeing all these “not negatives” and how infertiles lack the ability to be excited even for 2 seconds.

  4. When it rains it pours BFP’s! Where there is a BFP there is potential– and I know you appreciate that after a string of negatives–so I’m happy for you that you have this little seed of hope and I wish it to blossom for you. XO

  5. Hoping this is it for you, Hon! Such a good sign! Praying this is the one!!! What a great moment. I know how hard it is to hope and then all the fears come rushing in the next second. Praying you can find joy and peace, second by second. Hugs!

  6. Yes!!!! I just knew this was going to happen. I’m not jumping the gun and getting too excited here, I’m just very pleased that your body is cooperating this month. Keep us updated!

      • Oh man it’s so reassuring to get a beta. I’m so relieved to hear yours was good. When’s the next one?
        I’m not offered one with our RPL clinic here, only a scan in 2 weeks. I’d have to go pay for them but thinking it might be a good idea because I’m not feeling good about this at all. I’m about 90% sure this one won’t make it. Pee tests just aren’t cooperating, it’s too late. Success doesn’t happen at this point. Trying to come to terms with that in my head before the scan. It’s so hard.
        Either way I will feel so much better knowing this will work out for you. I am thinking of you all the time and hoping xx

      • I can’t beleive they don’t do betas for you! How unfair to make you wait two weeks with no clue whats going on :(. I will continue to be hopeful for you, but I totally understand why you aren’t. When it looks like the pattern is exactly the same you feel like you know exactly whats coming.

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