I tested today. 10 dpo. And it wasn’t negative. I’m having a lot of trouble getting from it’s ‘not negative’ to it’s ‘positive’. It just feels like it could blow away in a strong wind.
Last night G and I stopped on our way home from dinner to pick up a pack of FRERs, because this month I just didn’t have it in me to wait for 12dpo to use my cheapos. Usually G is all about waiting because he hates how upset I get, so he’d rather put it off. This time felt different though, he was expecting his birthday present, and he hates waiting for presents. This morning, I stalled getting out of bed, knowing that I would have a terrible day when I saw the negative. Even as I watched the test develop, I just knew it would be bleach white. I waited for a minute or two, didn’t see anything, and got up to brush my teeth. A minute later, I peeked back over to the test.
The line wasn’t dark, but it wasn’t the lightest line I’ve ever had either. There wasn’t any squinting, it was clearly visible. I called to G, ‘Honey, come here. It’s not negative’. The second thing I said was, ‘I didn’t f*ck it up this time’ (at least so far). My overwhelming feeling was just relief. Relief that I am still able to get pregnant, and relief that this month won’t be another month of the same.
After the last two chemical pregnancies, I’m hyper aware that this might be over any minute. I’m only thinking a few days and a few steps at a time. Step 1, re-test in a day or two to make sure the line is still there and not lighter. Step 2, call for a beta, probably Tuesday. This is as far ahead as I can think right now.