I have very few words tonight. Its 11 dpo, and BFN. I don’t even know what to say. I just want to give up and drown myself in a bathtub of wine and chocolate cake.
I don’t know where to find the energy to keep doing this over and over every month. I’ve managed to convince myself there is something else wrong with me, besides RPL, and I will never get pregnant again. I don’t need another problem guys. What am I supposed to do? Throw more money at the situation to figure out what’s wrong, and do more treatments to get me pregnant, when we know that it’s so unlikely I’ll be able to keep it? How can I justify that? I just don’t understand why it has to get harder and harder. Wasn’t it hard enough, knowing that when I get pregnant my body will most likely kill my potential child? Do we really need to be dragging out this process so that I spend more time and excessive amounts of energy just to get to the point of miscarrying again?
I don’t think I have the energy for this anymore. I don’t know how to look at the endless line of months and months ahead of me knowing that I still won’t be pregnant. How can I make myself keep trying when I know that when I finally do get pregnant again (if I’m wrong and I still can), it won’t matter?
So, that’s really all I have at the moment. Right now I’m drained. Hopefully in a few days I’ll wake up with the energy to start this whole process again, but I just don’t know. Also, feel free to tell me to shut up for whining about it taking so long when so many people have waited much longer. I probably deserve it. I’m just so damn tired.