Out of words.

I have very few words tonight. Its 11 dpo, and BFN. I don’t even know what to say. I just want to give up and drown myself in a bathtub of wine and chocolate cake.

I don’t know where to find the energy to keep doing this over and over every month. I’ve managed to convince myself there is something else wrong with me, besides RPL, and I will never get pregnant again. I don’t need another problem guys. What am I supposed to do? Throw more money at the situation to figure out what’s wrong, and do more treatments to get me pregnant, when we know that it’s so unlikely I’ll be able to keep it? How can I justify that? I just don’t understand why it has to get harder and harder. Wasn’t it hard enough, knowing that when I get pregnant my body will most likely kill my potential child? Do we really need to be dragging out this process so that I spend more time and excessive amounts of energy just to get to the point of miscarrying again?

I don’t think I have the energy for this anymore. I don’t know how to look at the endless line of months and months ahead of me knowing that I still won’t be pregnant. How can I make myself keep trying when I know that when I finally do get pregnant again (if I’m wrong and I still can), it won’t matter?

So, that’s really all I have at the moment. Right now I’m drained. Hopefully in a few days I’ll wake up with the energy to start this whole process again, but I just don’t know. Also, feel free to tell me to shut up for whining about it taking so long when so many people have waited much longer. I probably deserve it. I’m just so damn tired.

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21 thoughts on “Out of words.

  1. I completely get where you are coming from. TTC is so hard when you have no confidence that getting pregnant will lead to anything but another miscarriage. I think it’s important to embrace your negative feelings. You’ve done everything you can this month and so getting a BFN is going to hurt. I hope that you are able to rally and feel ready to try again soon. In the meantime enjoy the wine and cake!

  2. Yes wine and cake for you. You will feel better in a fews days. It’s hard but we are here supporting you though the ups and the downs xx

  3. I’ve been having similar thoughts, and I feel for you big. That endless line of months—yes, I see it, too. I had thought I was at the door out, and now it is hitting me that I might not be, not in a couple of months, maybe not ever. It is impossible to cope with the uncertainty. We just have to keep on living, going through the days. I feel like a robot, just moving along. I so understand what you are saying about wishing for pregnancy and yet fearing pregnancy is going to be another loss anyway—it is such a mind-fuck! And it beats up the heart. I have started to allow myself to let in the (totally unacceptable exhausting) idea that I might have to open the volume on adoption eventually, and we might become parents much much later than we expected. I’m feeling you and am with you. By the way, chocolate cake is a very good idea. Yesterday I seriously ate SIX gluten-free chocolate chip cookies (not small) and took off from work in the middle of the day to eat them, not telling anyone where I went. I just wanted to do *whatever* I wanted to do in that moment, and so did it. Love to you. x

    • So with you, I feel like a robot just pushing forward day after day even though it feels like there’s no point. The adoption thing is so tough, we have considered it quite seriously, in fact after each miscarriage we’ve said just one more try and then we’ll move on. But it’s so hard to accept it that we cave and try ‘just one more time’ over and over. And now the ‘just one more time’ won’t end.

      Hehe, the cookies sound great. I’m seriously considering making myself a giant ‘Congratulations, your life sucks!!’ cake today :).

  4. Fuck. I completely get where you’re coming from. Reading your post is like reading my mind, except you are much more eloquent and use fewer expletives. This constant cycle of up and down, terror and joy, longing and dread, proaction and waiting is, to me too, insurmountable. We are at a miserable holding place in life. Not knowing what to do next. What is the point of treatment if we can’t keep a pregnancy? I feel you on that big time. It’s a double whammy. Can’t get knocked up and can’t keep it, so why bother? The burden of RPL is so heavy, so vast. I feel like I’m closer to the end than I ever thought I could be now. I guess that’s how it starts huh, by breaking the spirit. RPL is winning. I think we should all get together for a huge fucking chocolate cake and red wine commiseration party. Hugest hug sisterfriend, I am by your side walking this lonely, miserable path with you. And please never ever shut up ok xx

    • Haha, it’s funny that I use fewer expletives in my posts because in real life I’ve become a damn sailor, my husband barely recognizes me :).

      I know you totally get it. You’re right it’s such a burden, and I my spirit is getting broken by it :(. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way too, I wish none of us had to go through this, but I’m so glad to have people who understand.

  5. I’m so sorry for the BFN – it’s like a constant reminder every month of the losses. Even when I’m on a trying to conceive break, it still hurts and makes me angry and I devour enough food to gain 10 pounds in a week. And at the same time, I think, I should really try to eat healthy just in case I get pregnant this month, but sometimes I’m just too depressed to even think about trying again. Every period for me feels like the grief is raw and fresh again – how on earth are we supposed to grieve and move on from something that happens over and over and over again? Ugh. Sending hugs, love, positive thoughts, and prayers for you.

    • Thanks :). Your comment reminds me that it wouldn’t be any easier if I did give up. I’d still have the reminder every month that I’m still not pregnant. So I guess I might as well just keep trying, it’ll be hard either way.

  6. Oh hon, my heart aches for you. I’m in a similar place right now. I’m just feeling like it’s not going to happen for us. It has been even more difficult because we have a new baby in the family. My husband’s brother just had a new baby. His second. We’re the only ones in both our familes without any living children. I’m overjoyed for my brother and sister in-law and I’m already in love with my new nephew, but it makes me feel even more alone and empty. I wish I knew that it will work out for all of us, but as more time goes on, I just don’t know. The only thing that helps, is knowing that we’re not alone. You are not alone. I just wanted you to know that. Thinking about you and sending strength. I’m on cycle day one today. I’m guessing you’re period is coming soon too? Let the start of a new cycle be a new beginning for both of us. Don’t give up. My SIL that just had her second baby, had an ectopic pregnancy with her first pregnancy and lost a fallopian tube, then they tried IVF and had another miscarriage, then another IVF and she had her daughter, then for years they had several failed IVFs, 3 more miscarriages (one with twins), and finally, at 44 she just had her second baby, a boy and their family is complete. As sad as I am for myself that her happy ending hasn’t happened to me, it does give me hope. I pray it gives you hope too.
    *hugs*

    • Thank you so much for your very sweet message. I agree, it helps so much to know we’re not alone, although I wish no one had to feel this. Wow, your SILs story is so rough, I’m glad they have a happy ending, but I understand how you’d feel worse now. It’s just so hard to watch others make it over to the other side and know that we may never make it. Agreed, let’s try to start fresh this month and one of these days things will have to improve…right??

      • I’ve been really in a low place the past few days and keep telling myself just that. It has to get better. Life is cyclical. It eventually turns around. It just has too! Fingers crossed our rainbow babies come soon!

    • Thank you so much for your sweet message. It’s true, it helps so much to know we’re not alone, although I wish none of us had to feel this. Wow, your SILs story is so rough, and I’m so glad they have a happy ending, but I totally get how you’d feel worse now. It’s just so hard to see others crossing over to the other side and know that we may never make it. Agreed, let’s try to make this cycle a fresh start. Something good has to happen eventually….right?

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