At last a good day

DSC_0035In the interest of not posting only when things are bad, I wanted to make sure to post today to say that I actually had a pretty great day. It wasn’t a special day, I just went to work, had coffee with a friend, went to a presentation, came home to have dinner with G, went to yoga, and now I’m relaxing on the couch. But all day I just felt at peace with the state of things and happy to be with friends and G. I know this will be temporary, in a week or so I’ll be back to my standard tww freaking out, so I need to appreciate and enjoy the peace and quiet in the meantime.

In other news, a close friend who I’ve written about a few times before might be pregnant any minute. I mentioned before that she recently found out that she has PCOS, was having 40-60 day cycles, and wasn’t ovulating. She tried clomid for the first time this month, and things are looking great. Home ovulation test was positive, and her progesterone levels are looking awesome. She seems extremely optimistic, and although there’s no reason to assume it’ll happen the very first month, the fact that the clomid is doing it’s job is great news. For the last few months (particularly since she found out she might have trouble getting pregnant), she has been a really great support. She told me that she thought she understood what I was going through before, but once she got her own diagnosis it really clicked. Granted, she’s only been going through this for a few months, but I think she definitely gets the fear and anxiety of this process now. I’ve been able to open up much more than ever before and we’ve gotten even closer.

With all of this, I have honestly been extremely happy for her good news. I had to stop and check to make sure I wasn’t kidding myself that I would truly just be happy for her if she got pregnant, but at the moment I really don’t have any negative feelings about it. I told her that I don’t want her to think that she can’t talk to me about it just as much if she gets pregnant and I don’t.

When I found out that we would be ovulating only a week apart, for one little moment I allowed myself to think about how amazing it would be if we were both pregnant (for real) together. I would have someone I could be completely open with about the anxiety of being pregnant (which it seems like regular pregnant women don’t get). I would have none of the frustration I expect I’ll have towards other pregnant women who can just blissfully enjoy pregnancy without that anxiety. It would be just too good to be true. Which is why it most definitely won’t happen. Even if we both get pregnant this month, she will most likely stay pregnant and I won’t. Which means I’m just setting myself up for an even worse fall. As much as I honestly feel happy for her now, I doubt that will be true when I’m in the middle of a 7th miscarriage and she’s happily pregnant. I don’t want to let this change how I feel about her getting pregnant at this point though, so I will just have to deal with it when and if it happens.


7 thoughts on “At last a good day

  1. Yeah, that (worst case) actually happened to me (sort of). My friend has had an IF blog for about a year now (ttc longer than me). I was preggo and miscarried. Then she was preggo and miscarried. Then she had an IUI with stims and BAM! Preggo again. Then 2 weeks later I found out I was preggo again. But (like you said) the universe will not allow such a perfect ending. So my pregnancy ended up being a chemical and now my friend is 12 weeks preggo. She is somewhat cautious about what she says, but not so much so that it’s “fake”, if that makes sense. Our friendship is intact.
    Also, I ovulate naturally, had just had a chemical pregnancy (supposedly makes you more fertile), my hubby has wicked awesome sperm, I took Clomid AND I took progesterone last cycle–I thought for sure–but nope. Clomid ain’t magic. XO

    • That’s so frustrating, I’m sorry :(. No idea how it’s going to play out with my friend and I, I hope it doesn’t hurt our friendship but I think it’s going to be tough. There’s so many ways it can go badly, and only one way where we’ll both actually be happy.

  2. Pingback: And the moral of the story is… | Recurrently Lost

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