3 days, three tests, three pink lines. That just about says it all. I just want to scream, or cry, or throw something. I am almost definitely not pregnant. I’ll keep testing for a few more days, just in case, but there should be something there by 11dpo, even just a barely there faint line. I’m just not sure how much more of this I can take. The thought of more months of this, testing and waiting, and testing and waiting, it makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning.
I feel like it’s just never ever ever going to happen. I feel like I’m in a deep hole without a ladder. There is no way out of this hole. I will wait eternities to get pregnant, just to miscarry. We’ve all heard of the women who had 10 miscarriages before having a success. If it took me six more miscarriages, and it took me five months to get pregnant each time, plus the time for pregnancies and recovery, it would be 5 more years before I had a baby!! The thought of adoption is not only unappealing to me at this point, but feels like it would never work. My issues and emotions around adoption are a topic for another whole post, but to keep it short I feel like I couldn’t emotionally make it through the process, because I’d have in the back of my mind that we didn’t have to be doing it. We could always keep trying. Just trying isn’t costing us much money (at least until I need another surgery), so how can we pay $40,000 and rip out our hearts emotionally when we don’t have to? I have absolutely no means to change my life, except to give up having a family. And that’s definitely not an option.
I know I’m being overly negative. First of all, there’s still a chance it’s too early. If I was off by even a day or two about when I ovulated (which is possible), it might still be just a little too early. Plus there’s the fact that I’ve been peeing so much during the night (warning- tmi coming) that my pee is practically clear. Maybe it’s just way too diluted to get a valid result this early. Before testing this morning when we were still in a half-way decent mood G and I joked that we should boil my pee down before testing.
I also know that it hasn’t actually been an eternity. It’s been four months, and two of those I had chemical pregnancies. In my mind those should count towards time trying, since I don’t really see them as real miscarriages. I know not everyone feels the same way about this, but to me, they were just wasted months. I was seriously annoyed, but there was nowhere near the emotional devastation and recovery of a miscarriage. I just got my period and ovulated again the next month. That’s just my own feelings though, not to take away others’ right to be very upset about a chemical pregnancy. My point is though, if we counted those as miscarriages, it would only have been two months of trying. I’m not sure that makes me feel better, but at least it might imply that I’m not losing my ability to get pregnant.
I just don’t even know what to do with myself at this point. Every day of waiting is another small torture. Haven’t I paid my dues yet?? Will it EVER be my turn???