Morbid humor

So I just came across this article and couldn’t help laughing given my recent post about the horribleness of pregnancybook (well mostly my own bad habits when it comes to pregnancybook).  Shocking, facebook makes me feel worse about myself!?! Could it be the five beautiful pregnant women posting pictures from their baby showers? Could it be the 10 pictures of newborns posted in the last ten minutes?? I just can’t figure it out…

On a similar note, after a recent trip to the aforementioned website, I decided I should co-opt the standard pregnancy blog and post my own version. I’ve been pregnant enough times that it’s only fair I should get to fill one of these out by now, right?

Here it goes:

Size of the baby: baby? What baby? Pregnancy is supposed to lead to a baby?

Total weight gain/loss: about 15lbs gained, mostly from nausea. Usually the only thing that makes me feel less sick is starchy foods like potatoes (read chips). The first time around I didn’t fight this much and gained a bunch of weight. Since then I’ve worked harder to keep from gaining weight, but I usually gain 5 lbs or so every time I’m pregnant. It went straight to my belly the first time and never really left, even though I’ve mostly lost the weight. I figure it’s probably ironic symbolism that I have a small pregnant-looking belly that won’t go away.

Maternity clothes: Um yeah, I have some of those hiding in the back of my closet. The first time I was pregnant and gained a bunch of weight that went straight to my belly, I couldn’t button my jeans. I did the rubberband thing to keep them on, and got one or two not-so-obvious maternity shirts to hide the growing pooch. I kept the shirts afterwards thinking I’d need them eventually, but most still have the tags on. They just sit in the back of my closet, mocking me…

Best moments:  I dunno, the giant glass of wine that helped me forget all this shit temporarily??

Nausea/Vomiting: Actually yes. My period ended two days ago, I stopped taking progesterone 5 days ago, and yet still I feel nauseous. I think my body has forgotten what it’s like to NOT be pregnant or on hormones. Apparently pukey is my new normal.

Labor signs: That would require a pregnancy to last longer than 10 weeks…

Gender: yes please! I’ll take anything!

Wedding rings on or off:  Ha, another testament to how pregnancy has left its mark on me. I’m allergic to my wedding ring. I went to the jewelry store and the lovely saleslady asked if I was or had been pregnant. Fortunately not because of the aforementioned belly pooch, just because this is apparently common with pregnancy. I had to lie and say no, I wasn’t pregnant, because it would be too complicated to explain the whole story. I’ve been wearing my wedding ring on a chain around my neck, hoping the allergy will go away eventually.

Sleep: Well, the nice thing about either being pregnant or taking progesterone half the month is the hormones put me to sleep. So at least I don’t lay awake thinking depressing thoughts when I first get in to bed. Instead I wake up at 5 am desperately needing to pee and then lay awake thinking depressing thoughts.

Wisdom: I don’t even know where to start with this one. I think I have become an entirely different person with all the “wisdom” I’ve gained. Just for starters: if you are pregnant (for real) you have NO IDEA how lucky you are (well some of you do :)). Appreciate the hell out of it. Also, if you know someone is going through something difficult, don’t ignore it and wait for it to go away. It won’t, and they’ll probably just resent you for it. Also, no matter what you’ve been through, there are probably people who have gone through much worse.

What am I most excited about: Ha! Excitement? I don’t think I’ll ever have that again. The closest thing I have to excitement now is hoping that I will have my next miscarriage quickly. Another miscarriage seems inevitable, and I just hope I can get it over with quickly rather than waiting for months and months to get pregnant first. Maybe one day I’ll even be able to move on, and that would be something to get excited about.

Well there you have it, possibly the only maternity blog I’ll ever get to fill out. At least I can (morbidly) joke about it, right?


4 thoughts on “Morbid humor

  1. This is fantastic (in a horridly morbid and amazing if it wasn’t so tragic way, obviously). The comments you made about weight gain and being left with a belly to show for your pregnancies I can particularly relate to. After I got passed the initial shock and sadness of my losses, this was the thing that I was most irrationally annoyed about. When people have babies everyone tells them how good they look and they get loads of support for losing weight and they have a baby to show for it! I haven’t told many people about my pregnancies so instead am just fat. I let myself go and now I have to diet to shift the weight. And the pregnancy hormones definitely make a difference as I had never gained any weight on my stomach before. I might have had a huge ass but always a washboard stomach and yet with both pregnancies I gained a proper little pot belly which now just serves to mock me and on a bad day prompt people to look at it smiling and ask if I “have something exciting to tell them” grr!

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