Well, on the the upside the TWW is over.

BFN. Finally tested today (12dpo), and surprisingly it was negative. I say surprisingly because I thought I really knew the symptoms well enough to predict at this point. I mean, I’ve been pregnant at least 6 times, you’d think I could tell by now right?? I definitely felt (and still feel for that matter) sick, but I’m guessing in retrospect it’s just the progesterone. I’ve only been taking this dose for the last three months, and both the previous two months when I felt pregnant I was. And oddly, both times I stopped feeling sick and started spotting before I stopped the progesterone. So who knows?

I keep telling myself its probably better this way. If the thyroid medication is going to have an effect, it would be much better to be taking it already before I’m pregnant. I said a couple times over the past few days that it was just adding an additional level of confusion to the situation to be starting the medication a week or so after implantation, when things could already have started going wrong. If the pregnancy failed again, I would wonder if it was just that we hadn’t started the medication in time. This way, if/when I get pregnant again, if it goes badly I’ll know it wasn’t because the thyroid med hadn’t had a chance to work.

But a negative is still a negative, and it was still extremely hard to see. Another month down the drain, another month with no progress. Another month of announcements and births. As strange as it is to say, if I’m going to have another miscarriage anyway, I just want to get it over with already. Usually it feels like it’s inevitable, and I’m just wasting time getting there.

I had a big glass of wine with dinner, which helped, but I have to fight feeling guilty about it now. Until my period starts I’ll feel like I was irresponsible, or didn’t care enough to just hold out a few more days. In the past I haven’t had a drink until I was positive, but there’s really just no point. If it isn’t positive by now it isn’t going to be positive.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Well, on the the upside the TWW is over.

  1. I’m really sorry to hear that you got a BFN. Keep trying to focus on the positives and the fact you’re trying the thyroid medication (I know…easier said than done…) and take it easy on yourself.

  2. I’m sorry about the BFN 😦 I can completely relate to that feeling of wanting to miscarry if it’s going to happen. Us RPL ladies are subject to a certain kind of torture and sadness when it comes to both BFNs and BFPs. Hang in there. After my last miscarriage I told myself I’d rather get a BFN that miscarry again – that I was holding out for my rainbow baby. Keep holding on to that hope. *hugs*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s