By way of introduction….

Under different circumstances, I’d start this blog by telling you my name, job, pet names, and all time favorite food. I could do that, but none of that really matters here. My identity has become more and more about being infertile lately, and that part of me is relatively hidden in my daily life. In case you’re really curious, my current occupation is in transition (I finished a PhD but no longer have any ambitions in that area), I’m relatively obsessed with my three cats (whose names, along with my own, will probably stay anonymous for now), and I couldn’t possibly pick between half a dozen unhealthy things as an all-time favorite food. In fact, the only things that really make me happy (like, for real happy) are dessert, wine, and traveling. Unfortunately, the former two are not so good for my waistline, and the latter is not so good for our bank account. But really, what I want to talk about here is how sucky life is at the moment.

I’ve started this blog mainly because I need a place to vent, and friends and family can only be expected to hear my sob story so many times. After two and a half years and 4+ losses (more about that next time), I feel like even my most patient friends have become fatigued hearing about my same old problems. I have been part of an infertility support group in my city, which has helped, but no one there has my particular problem, and recurrent pregnancy loss just isn’t the same thing as other types of infertility (of course there are lots of things we do have in common, and I’ve certainly come to consider myself ‘infertile’ even though I can technically get pregnant).

Most importantly, I just need a place where I can really be honest about how I’m feeling. I’m a relatively private person, at least when it comes to this. Which is why I will probably stay anonymous here. I wish I had the courage to be ‘out’ about this, but the truth is its hard to even think about putting all of this out there anonymously. Hopefully even if I post without my name I’ll still be able to reach people who are going through the same thing and need to know they are not alone. Infertility, and particularly this kind of infertility, is extremely isolating. You feel like ABSOLUTELY every person in the world is pregnant or has their baby, and you are just flat out not in the club (not to mention they don’t hesitate to remind you of it every other sentence). So, if you have found this because you are also recurrently lost, welcome to the club. Its a sucky one, but at least we’re not alone.

I’m not sure that was much of an introduction, but it’s the best I’ve got for now. Next time I’ll give you more details about how I got to this point.

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5 thoughts on “By way of introduction….

  1. Welcome to the blogging world! I started my blog for the same underlying reason – to vent and say the things I can’t say out loud to friends and family members, to process my thoughts and feelings, and connect with others who are going through the same. I am also anonymous, and no one in my real life knows I have a blog at all. You are not alone!

    I am so very sorry for your losses. I understand feeling like you don’t fit in with “traditional” infertiles, even though your situation clearly fits the definition of “infertile.” I myself am in the “traditional” category: I can’t get pregnant (except for one time, that didn’t end well). But, when I attended a local support group, I didn’t feel like I fit in, because everyone else was so much farther along in their treatments. I know it’s not quite the same as what you’re going through, but, like you said, we do share a lot of the same feelings, like isolation and feeling that everyone else has the one thing we want the most, but just can’t have. We can support each other.

    • Thanks so much for your welcome and thoughtful words! It’s great to feel like there is a community out here where we can talk to others without worrying about judgement. I really enjoy your posts and will keep in touch:).

  2. Thank you for this honest introduction. I can really relate. My academic ambitions have dwindled the further I’ve gone in the struggles of recurrent miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I guess for me everything felt unimportant in contrast. I hope you find some release and space here on your blog and I look forward to getting to know you more.

  3. Thank you for writing this blog. I am also a Ph.D. but I am working in my field as a professor, a life long “dream” of mine. Unfortunately, also like you, I am dealing with infertility and multiple pregnancy losses. This both kills any motivation I have towards my academic goals AND makes me hate myself a little that I cared so much about making professor that I forgot to be anxious about making babies until I maybe can’t anymore. It hurts me so much to read what you are going through because it is my experience too and I hate that you and your husband feel the same despair and sense of failure that my husband and I do. It is so completely unfair, and even more unfair that saying that changes nothing. It won’t change the fact that neither of us may ever have a real live baby. I realize this post is old and now you appear to be “very pregnant”. I am rooting for you SO HARD. I hope you will let all of us out here still hoping know if once your take home baby is here, the pain gets any better. It feels so big to me now, I am not sure it will ever go away.

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