Under different circumstances, I’d start this blog by telling you my name, job, pet names, and all time favorite food. I could do that, but none of that really matters here. My identity has become more and more about being infertile lately, and that part of me is relatively hidden in my daily life. In case you’re really curious, my current occupation is in transition (I finished a PhD but no longer have any ambitions in that area), I’m relatively obsessed with my three cats (whose names, along with my own, will probably stay anonymous for now), and I couldn’t possibly pick between half a dozen unhealthy things as an all-time favorite food. In fact, the only things that really make me happy (like, for real happy) are dessert, wine, and traveling. Unfortunately, the former two are not so good for my waistline, and the latter is not so good for our bank account. But really, what I want to talk about here is how sucky life is at the moment.
I’ve started this blog mainly because I need a place to vent, and friends and family can only be expected to hear my sob story so many times. After two and a half years and 4+ losses (more about that next time), I feel like even my most patient friends have become fatigued hearing about my same old problems. I have been part of an infertility support group in my city, which has helped, but no one there has my particular problem, andjust isn’t the same thing as other types of infertility (of course there are lots of things we do have in common, and I’ve certainly come to consider myself ‘infertile’ even though I can technically get pregnant).
Most importantly, I just need a place where I can really be honest about how I’m feeling. I’m a relatively private person, at least when it comes to this. Which is why I will probably stay anonymous here. I wish I had the courage to be ‘out’ about this, but the truth is its hard to even think about putting all of this out there anonymously. Hopefully even if I post without my name I’ll still be able to reach people who are going through the same thing and need to know they are not alone. Infertility, and particularly this kind of infertility, is extremely isolating. You feel like ABSOLUTELY every person in the world is pregnant or has their baby, and you are just flat out not in the club (not to mention they don’t hesitate to remind you of it every other sentence). So, if you have found this because you are also recurrently lost, welcome to the club. Its a sucky one, but at least we’re not alone.
I’m not sure that was much of an introduction, but it’s the best I’ve got for now. Next time I’ll give you more details about how I got to this point.